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Well, well, well, so we meet again Bachelor fam. Somehow we’ve made it to week four of this hostage situation otherwise known as The Bachelor, and the only person I’m actively rooting for at this point is Kelsey’s champagne bottle. Last week’s episode was a little dullsville for me. It felt like I was watching a two-hour fight I had with my sister
in middle school last week over her stealing my shirt. You know, if that shirt were a commercial air pilot whose claim to fame involved desecrating windmills. Here’s hoping this week ABC actually steps it up in the drama department. And on that note, let’s dive right into this recap.
We start things off this week with Chris Harrison announcing that Peter and his copilots are headed to the exotic land of Cleveland! Tbh the only thing I know about Cleveland is that Tristan Thompson motorboated some random hoes at a nightclub there whilst he had a 9-months-pregnant Kardashian sitting at home alone. Yeah, that feels like a place that has the right energy to meet your future wife. Carry on.
The women are also confused by the choice of Cleveland. At this point in Colton’s season they were all headed to Singapore, but instead these ladies are being treated to a wild few days away in middle America. Somehow it doesn’t have the same ring to it. I can’t wait to find out which of them had their passport suspended after an incident that involved too much Pinot Grigio and is responsible for this purgatory.
Okay, this is a VERY nice travel montage ABC has whipped together here. Can you FaceTune a city? Because Cleveland is starting to look like a mecca of art and culture over here. I love that the women are equally shocked by how nice Cleveland is. One girl is like “This is… Ohio, you say??” and says it with all of the confidence of a person who has never been further than an hour away from some sort of coast.
Victoria F’s One-On-One Date
Victoria gets the first date card of the Cleveland trip, and I’ve been waiting for this date all season long. There’s been a rumor going around that Victoria F actually used to date one of the musicians ABC brings out for the one-on-one dates, and this is the kind of content I live for.
Meanwhile, Victoria just KNOWS that the producers are going to push her off a cliff or something, because she strategically said in her pre-production interviews that she’s “so scared of heights.” Oh, sweetie. That’s cute that you think the producers are going to go for the low-hanging fruit like acrophobia when they can just take a grenade to your personal life instead.
VICTORIA: Oooh, why are we at an airport??
Because that’s where Peter takes literally all his dates, you idiot! He’s a pilot, haven’t you heard? You should only be surprised if you’re NOT at an airport.
Peter parks his plane at Cedar Point, which I’m told is a very popular amusement park, but it’s no Busch Gardens, so we’ll see about that. Victoria continues to play up the whole “I’m scared of heights” thing and it’s not like I don’t believe her or anything, but she also said she was scared to model during the group date last week and then closed the show in lingerie and a trench coat.
Not only did Peter close down this amusement park for Victoria, but he also set up a private concert for the two of them and OH MY GOD SHE REALLY DOES NOT KNOW WHAT’S COMING LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL. The look on her face when she realizes her ex, Chase Rice, will be the one to serenade her and her new boyfriend that she shares with 17 other women is f*cking priceless.
CHASE RICE: Are you two having a good time?!
Guys, this show kills me. It’s actually a farce at this point. Peter is looking at Victoria like he’s so in love with her and Victoria is looking like she would rather eat glass than have to pretend to be into Peter and his salsa hips in front of her much-more-famous ex.
I love that Peter is talking with Chase Rice and Chase Rice tells him he’s from Virginia just like Victoria, and he STILL doesn’t put two and two together as Victoria cowers and cries in the corner. Peter, come on! The clues are all there!
OH MY GOD IS SHE TALKING TO HER EX CHASE RICE WHILE ON A DATE WITH PETER?! Is she?! Look, that’s only okay when Peter does it with Hannah Brown. Don’t get it twisted, Victoria!!
Wow, Chase Rice does not seem into her at all. This is making me think that maybe they just hooked up a few times when he was in town and now she’s mistaken that for an actual relationship. This point is further driven home for me when she asks Chase Rice what should she tell Peter about the two of them and he can’t even seem to place how he knows her.
Victoria decides that she needs to tell Peter about her thing with Chase Rice—it’s the honest thing to do. I just hope she’s able to hide the humble brag in her tone, lest she take a skewer to whatever scraps of self-esteem Peter has left from this franchise.
VICTORIA: I don’t want Peter to be sad that I’ve banged someone much hotter and much more famous than him, you know?
CHASE RICE WATCHING THIS AT HOME RN: I would like to be excluded from this narrative, one that I have never asked to be a part of since 2019.
Cut to the cocktail portion of the evening, and Peter makes a comment about how they could have Chase Rice sing at their wedding. I want to disintegrate into my couch. The producer who told him to say that has the blackest heart, I swear to god.
Victoria tells Peter that Chase Rice is her ex-boyfriend, but it’s over between the two of them and, just to be clear, she ended things with him because his lifestyle didn’t fit in with hers. And it’s like, wow, what a narrative you have there, Victoria. Kris Jenner would be proud of that pivot.
Peter is very confused by Victoria’s announcement. He’s looking at Victoria right in front of him and thinking about Chase Rice from hours before and it’s not computing for him. He’s like “Chase Rice the musician? The guy that was just on stage?”
Victoria leaves the room overcome with emotion that I’m sure has everything to do with Peter and nothing at all to do with the brush-off Chase Rice gave her earlier in the day. Honestly, I don’t know why she’s crying. I feel like we aren’t getting the whole story here. If she truly dumped Chase Rice and she’s truly over him then what is she so upset for? Peter’s not going to dump her. If anything, he’s going to want to sleep with her even more. He’s got to figure out what sort of golden vagina she has that she was able to ensnare the headliner for Stagecoach 2020.
And what do you know! Peter gives Victoria the rose. Take that, Chase Rice! I’m sure this will not keep you up at night at all.
The Group Date
For the group date, Peter takes the girls to the Browns stadium and he says it as if any of these girls will give a sh*t. I’m sure there will be at least one girl to feign interest because she’s “not like the other girls” and that’s the one you need to look out for, Peter. If she can fake being overly hype about this date, then she can certainly fake other things with you in that windmill. Oh, and look! That girl is Tammy!
We learn that the women will be split into two teams to compete in a football scrimmage, and the winning team gets to go to the cocktail party. Peter seems to think that pitting the women against each other will make for some good wholesome fun, but a very different picture is being painted on my television screen rn.
It’s less like a pickup game of football and more like the millennial hunger games. These girls are out for blood. You’ve got Deandra full-on body slamming bitches into the ground. At one point I half expect her to scream out a “welcome to the OC, bitch” as she rubs MyKenna’s face into the grass. Then there’s Shiann, who is acting like the outcome of this game will save all of China from the Huns. I’m horrified. Honestly, I’m watching these girls rip out each other’s hair extensions on the field right now, and I can’t even imagine where I would be if I were on this date. Probably faking a back injury on the sidelines like Hot Victoria.
Holy sh*t. These girls are taking this game VERY seriously. I haven’t seen this much aggression and outright rough housing since my neighbor forced me to join her rec league kickball team and they stuck me on third base in the playoffs. I’m still talking to my therapist about those games.
In a shocking twist of events, the yellow team manages to tie up the game at the last minute, which means BOTH teams will be going on the group date tonight. The pink team is pissed about this outcome, but tbh there was no way in hell production was going to let a pot stirrer like MyKenna sit at home during the rest of this group date. Please.
As we enter into the cocktail portion of the evening, all the women are on edge. Nothing is fair in love and war, and it’s certainly not fair on a 13-person group date. Tensions are high when Hot Victoria, who didn’t even actually compete in the scrimmage because if the weather forecast says there’s a 3% chance of rain in the next 10 days then her right elbow starts to hurt and she didn’t want to chance it, swoops in and steals Peter first.
Okay, WHAT. ALAYAH IS BACK?! Can you just show up on this show whenever you feel like it? It’s not even like they’re still back at the Bachelor mansion, they’re in Cleveland for god’s sake! How did she even find them? Did she track them down through Twitter threads of fan sightings or something? Because I’m impressed.
ALAYAH: Can I steal him for a sec?
We learn that Alayah is back on the show to clear her good name. Even though just last week we saw her get wine drunk, put on a captain’s hat, and declare she’d like Peter to take her to the mile high club, she doesn’t want America to get the wrong idea about her. She tells Peter that Hot Victoria is a liar and that they’ve known each other for way longer than the three hours Hot Victoria claimed they had. She even knows what the P in Victoria P’s last name stands for!
I love watching Hot Victoria dig her own grave. She’s like “well we did only know each other for three hours but, like, three hours of each day of the seven-day pageant competition and then we might have exchanged numbers and gone on a girls’ trip to Cabo after but I just don’t know, Peter. I DON’T KNOW!”
“My truth is the truth,” Hot Victoria says as she lies through her teeth.
Look, I’m not saying I don’t believe Hot Victoria, but that was a VERY cozy hug she just gave Alayah. Certainly not a hug you give a person you’ve only known for three hours, unless those three hours were spent waiting in line for a bathroom after 1am.
You can tell Peter’s not buying Victoria’s story because he actually asks Alayah to come back to the house, even if it means that the women will form an angry mob and burn him at the stake for it. But, you know, follow your heart and everything, Peter.
OMG HE GIVES ALAYAH THE ROSE WHEN SHE WASN’T EVEN ON THE DATE. Wooooowwww. No wonder Reality Steve hasn’t been able to spoil the season yet. Peter can’t end up with anyone if the women all murder him and hide his body in Ohio.
High off her group date rose, Alayah attempts to reform old alliances in the house by updating the girls on what they’ve missed on Instagram. God, she knows how to read a room. She’s like “guys, I got to Google!!! Go grab some wine and meet in my room for the dirt!”
She tells the women all about Victoria’s past with Chase Rice, and the women look just as confused as Peter was when he heard the news. You can tell they’re all questioning the validity of said relationship, because why tf would Victoria be on this show if she’s been getting hot and heavy with country music stars?
Kelsey’s One-On-One Date
Kelsey gets the second one-on-one date of the week and I’m truly so proud of her. This is a girl who, just two weeks ago, spewed champagne all over her face on national television and locked herself in a closet to wail about it. And now she’s on a one-on-one date! This is the comeback story we need in 2020!! If she can recover from something like that, it gives me hopes that I can recover from that one time I got drunk at brunch and slid into Joey from The Circle’s DMs. Not all heroes wear capes!
Peter updates her about the Alayah situation and Kelsey gives a GREAT answer. She says that she doesn’t blame him for bringing her back and that he should figure out this relationship for himself and THAT, ladies, is how you secure your spot for the next 2-3 weeks. She’s not trying to start drama or talk sh*t or blame Peter. Outwardly she’s showing support, but inwardly she’s plotting Alayah’s demise. This is called maturity, ladies, take note!
Honestly, I’m really surprised at how into her Peter is. I feel like we haven’t really seen much of Kelsey for him to be this invested. Kelsey is also surprised by the attention and makes a plan to hold it by bringing up her sordid past: her family’s divorce. I can’t wait to hear what other trauma she reveals. Did she fall off her bike once too?
Peter tells her that he can relate to the trauma of growing up as a child of divorce because once upon a time his grandparents came to America from Cuba. Really grasping at straws for a connection here, aren’t we, Peter?
Kelsey gets the date rose, and she really deserves it for sitting through that entire dinner and not mocking Peter once for his turtleneck. If that’s not love, then I don’t know what is.
Meanwhile, back at the hotel, Victoria finds out that Alayah revealed to the rest of the girls all about
that one time she blew Chase Rice in Charlotte her past relationships. She’s upset that Alayah would dare reveal that story when she only just told Peter yesterday. It’s her truth to tell, Alayah!!
The Rose Ceremony
At long last we reach the rose ceremony. The women are moments away from a public hanging, but it’s too soon to tell whether it’s Peter’s or Alayah’s. Okay, Peter is far too confident making this toast rn. It’s like watching a baby gazelle take a cool drink of water right before a group of lions rips his throat out. Poor Peter.
Peter can’t even get two words out before Deandra jumps down his throat about being disappointed in his choices. Then Natasha backs her up with Shiann vigorously nodding her head in approval. I really feel like this isn’t the smartest move for them. They’re treating him less like a romantic suitor and more like a mom who just wants her kid to put away his laundry away. I will say I’m LOVING how the women have hijacked this rose ceremony, though.
PETER: So, I’d like to make a toast—
Peter tries to pull Hot Victoria aside first so he can explain himself, and she loses her ever-loving sh*t on him. Wow. The BALLS it takes to lie to someone and then yell at them for being mad that you lied. Bravo, Hot Victoria. I never knew you had this much manipulation in you.
The women continue to rage against Alayah and, you guys, I really don’t understand why everyone hates her so much. She wasn’t trying to be malicious by saying that thing about Chase Rice, she was just trying to make friends. And also, it’s true!! It’s not even like she’s spreading lies. It’s just the truth. I’m not Team Alayah or anything, but they’re acting like she’s the antichrist and not a girl who just wanted to share some hot goss.
I also love that the women, even with all the might and wrath of their coven channeled directly at Peter, honestly think he would send Alayah home when she’s wearing that black dress of sin. She has a slit down to her pubic bone and is showing enough cleavage that she could shoplift a Thanksgiving turkey and hide it in there! I’m sorry, but he’s never going to send her home dressed like that.
And that’s right where the episode ends. We’ll have to wait until next week to see if Peter makes it out of Ohio alive. Honestly, it’s too soon to tell. Until then!
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