A Bro’s Breakdown Of Peter’s ‘Bachelor’ Contestants | Betches

I’m Jared Freid. I’m a 34-year-old comedian who loves The Bachelor. I love it so much, I live Instagram story every episode: @jaredfreid. As you can imagine, my father is v proud. V.

This is my annual preview for the season. I’ve been doing this preview for half a decade. When I first started writing this, Instagram couldn’t pay a person’s rent, and the thought of listening to an hour podcast from a former Bachelor contestant would make me want to cut my ears off. Also, ABC would only give me a picture, a name, an age, where the contestants were from, and a profession. I’d make massive assumptions based on that small amount of information, and that was my preview. Then ABC was like, “Let’s interview these wackos,” and suddenly my job got easier. Maybe too easy. The contestants would give weird answers and you could almost tell which of them were Instagram follower thirsty. The last couple seasons, they’ve changed it to a short bio written by an intern whose parents used $100k they found under the couch cushion to get them into USC.

So, join me as I make massive assumptions based on very little (now secondhand) information. It’s like sitting with me after eating Chinese food while wearing sweats and screaming “Yuck” at what people wore on the red carpet. Please enjoy and follow me on Instagram (@jaredfreid) where I’ll be making fun of these crazies every Monday night. Let’s have a fun season.

Peter Weber

Peter isn’t the Bachelor we wanted. Bachelor Nation really wanted Mike Johnson to be the Bachelor. I did too—he was really good on The Bachelorette, and a black bachelor would freshen the show up a bit. But then it became a thing. The whole “we want Mike” song became performative. It had my-dad-voted-for-Trump-and-I-need-people-to-know-I’m-not-a-bad-person vibes. It was all just too much. It felt like the premise for Get Out 2. We were like, a day away from marches with white women crying while looking up between sniffles to make sure it got caught on camera.

So, we ended up with Peter because someone was like, “But what about all of those flying puns we could use for the promos?!” Peter is best known as the guy who had sex with Hannah four times in a windmill, a storyline that I still can’t believe existed on ABC. Peter is a fine choice. To be honest, Peter is probably the Bachelor because Hannah never mentioned that she climaxed from one of the four bangs. If she had cum four times, then Peter would’ve won and Hannah wouldn’t have been seen again. She would have gone back to Alabama quietly while she waited for Peter to fly home to give her “The Windmill.” But, here we are. Awaiting a season of Peter. Just a guy. Nothing great. Nothing special. He’s the human form of, “RIGHT THERE!! RIGHT THERE!! DON’T STOP!! DON’T STOP… AHHHH I WAS SO CLOSE.”

Alayah

Alayah is a 24-year-old who just won Miss Texas on her fourth try. Yes, FOURTH. That can only mean Alayah is insane. Women in their twenties are almost oblivious to what the word “old” means. You’ll meet a cousin at Thanksgiving who’s like, 21 and she’ll talk about being a senior in college like she just checked into an old folks home. It doesn’t even matter that her recently divorced aunt is sitting right there crying while trying to figure out how to download a dating app. The cousin will loudly talk about her and her friends being “the grandmas” of the sorority scene and how “these college boys are so immature. They don’t even know how to use a napkin after shotgunning their White Claws.” Alayah’s grasp on the realities of being 24 MUST be way out of sync after four tours of the Texas pageant scene. I bet they called her name to come on stage this year and she put out a cigarette on her arm before muttering, “I’m too old for this sh*t” and rearranging the crotch of her bikini.

Avonlea

Avonlea is a 27-year-old Cattle Rancher from Texas who also does some modeling. WHERE DO THEY FIND THESE WOMEN?!!? I’m constantly rolling my eyes at women who are like, “I’m gonna go on The Bachelor!” You’re going on The Bachelor? YOU? Rachel from Livingston, New Jersey? The one who won’t go out on a Friday because her PR job is too stressful??! The one whose dad pays the rent but she pays for everything else? I’m sorry honey. It’s not happening. To get on the show in 2020, you need a life that could be the premise of a Hallmark movie. So unless you’re a former magazine editor who got left on her honeymoon and had to move back to her hometown in Bumf*ck, Middle America to live with a sassy mom and a cute niece who lost her parents in a helicopter incident, then you NEED NOT APPLY. Good luck on JSwipe.

Alexa

Alexa is a 27-year-old esthetician from Chicago whose bio says she “made a big change” by moving to the city six years ago, after ending a seven-year relationship with her high school sweetheart. Women are so good at making normal life stuff sound like it was a big deal. You mean to tell me that you moved to a major city at 21?!!? Nobody does that!! And you broke up with someone you met when you were 14?!!?! UMM WHAT?!!?! Did you also have some years when you felt awkward around the time you were 13-15??! Are you an introvert who is sometimes an extrovert who likes to go on adventures?!!? I bet if you asked her “high school sweetheart” about Alexa he’d be like, “That chick who gave me my first blowjob? Ya we hooked up for a bit. Heard she’s going on The Bachelor.”

Courtney

Courtney’s bio says she’s a “Florida girl through and through.” What does that even mean? Does she hang out in Publix parking lots while a guy in cargo shorts yells from an old Toyota Camry about his boat? A “Florida girl through and through” sounds like an insult. Like, you’d be at the beach and say, “Look at that Florida girl” and then your friend would chime in like, “THROUGH AND THROUGH” right before a leathery woman humming “Despacito” walked by in a Florida State crop top and a straw cowboy hat.

Deandra

Sometimes these bios are just an eye opening look as to how far apart men and women are on the subject of relationships. Deandra is 23 and her bio says, “Deandra has been in one serious relationship in her life and is ready to find her forever.” There isn’t one 23-year-old guy on Earth who is “ready to find his forever.” The guy you’re speaking with on a dating app doesn’t even know what he’s doing next week. He started the conversation messaging, “What are you looking for on here” with the hopes that you’ll magically say, “To blow you, of course!!” He’s ready to find his four minutes at 2am.

Eunice

Hannah Ann

Hannah Ann is a model who lives at home with her parents. She’s also described as a “talented painter and loves to dabble in interior decorating.” No. Nope. If you’re living at home you can’t call yourself a model, painter, or interior decorator like that’s a real job. It’s like the people who put the red pin in their Instagram bio with “NYC|LA|Cleveland.” You don’t have three homes. You went to New York for an internship, took a trip to LA once, and you live with your parents in Cleveland while working the front desk at a Crunch Fitness. Hannah Ann is hot and maybe she’ll be a model or the next Picasso. But right now she’s someone with way too many Instagram followers because of some great beach pictures who likes to finger paint in the playroom her mom decorated with pillows from Kohl’s.

Jade

Jade is a Mormon who got married young and then divorced at 22, who claims to host the best game night in town. Jade isn’t winning. I don’t think Peter “I f*cked four times and probably didn’t make Hannah cum but she said it felt really good” Weber is going from 100k DMs to playing scrabble in Utah.

Jasmine

Jasmine’s profile reads pretty normal. She’s Vietnamese, so there will definitely be some sort of profile on her family and a tearful message about immigration on the first episode. The only part that gets weird is where it says, “Jasmine’s best friend is her golden retriever, Gnarles Barkley.” That’s one of those tidbits that you’d hear on a date and be like, “Lol that’s cute, I love dogs. But who do you really hang out with?” And then they’re like “No. My dog is my best friend.” And you’re like “Oh I know. I love dogs! But like, what person do you hang with most?” And then they’re like “OH SO YOU HATE DOGS?!” And you’re like “I just want to know if you have any human friends. This should be an easy answer. Just say a name. Wendy. Say Wendy and I’ll move on.” And then it gets quiet and the only thing heard is the sipping of drinks and you’re thinking, “I’m definitely not going to date her but I’ll still try and have sex.”

Jenna

Jenna is going to do well on this show because she doesn’t really need the show. She’s a 22-year-old nursing student from Chicago. What’s going to happen if she gets sent home? Nothing. She’ll go back to Chicago and hook up with badly dressed dudes who think their Notre Dame degree is impressive. The 22-year-old students ALWAYS have the advantage. Nothing is hotter than coming onto a show to “see what happens” when a bunch of women are there to “find their forever.” Jenna is going to be like, “Ya Peter is pretty cute I guess” and then get into bed thinking about the TikTok she’s going to make while a 27-year-old contestant stays up all night wondering if Peter also noticed their weird hug.

Kiarra

Kiarra is a 23-year-old nanny who says she would pick napping over any other activity and is looking for “someone who is willing to find my car keys when I lose them once a week.” Let’s hope Kiarra does well on the show because this bio isn’t helping her nannying career at all. Oh, you like to nap and lose track of your belongings on a weekly basis?! Please take care of my toddler who needs ear drops every hour. I don’t think these bad habits will get any better when Kiarra gets 50k Instagram followers for being on the show.

Katrina

The opening of Katrina’s bio could haunt any woman’s dreams for the next few years. Trigger warning!!

“Katrina’s parents are high school sweethearts that have been together for 40 years. Her younger brother is marrying his high school sweetheart next April, and her younger sister will probably get engaged soon to her serious boyfriend. Katrina’s the last one left and, according to her mom, Katrina needs to settle down soon because ‘her biological clock is ticking.’”

I’m sure a lot of you passed out at “younger sister will probably get engaged soon”, but you get the point. Katrina is 28, but I’m sure she feels 76 on this show. I mean, the last girl is a nanny who loves napping and social media. Katrina probably yells at Instagram on a daily basis and hasn’t slept since her mom bought her that dying egg countdown clock. Let’s all say a prayer for Katrina tonight and hope that she at least gets a sponsored post out of this whole thing.

Kelley

Kelley’s bio says she’s a strong independent woman who doesn’t need a man to take care of her. Then it says that she is an attorney at her dad’s law firm and you remember that she’s going on a TV show to compete against 29 other women for one man. So why don’t we stop with all the dramatics, Kelley? You could’ve just said you were an attorney and we’d all be like “wow, she’s not an aspiring butt model?! This is the type of woman we want to win this show!” But then you had to scream your feminism from a rooftop your dad pays the rent on, and now we’re all pretty positive you’re one of those people who take month-long December vacations while posting about people’s privilege.

Kelsey

Kelsey is a professional clothier in Iowa. My favorite Bachelor tradition is people taking their very normal jobs and dressing them up in a word that’s a lie. I actually had to look up “clothier” and it’s defined as, “a person or company that makes, sells, or deals in clothes or cloth.” There’s no such thing as a “Clothier” in Iowa. You work at a Dress Barn, Kelsey. You’re not a clothier. You help moms find the fitting room to see if the sweater with a cat on it fits. I’m excited for Kelsey to get booted from the show and start calling herself a “Remote Masturbation Assistant” on Instagram.

Kylie

Kylie is an entertainment sales associate from Santa Monica. I don’t know what that job is either. Does she just cold call people saying that she’s selling entertainment? I’m going to assume this is what it’s like to be hot. You can just say a job that doesn’t exist and people are like, “Yup! You sell the entertainment! Sounds good! Now please let me be seen next to you.”

Here’s how hot Kylie is: her bio says “the last time a guy tried to kiss her, she turned away and blamed it on not wanting to ruin her makeup.” That guy didn’t listen to a word of the date. He misread the situation so badly that she had to blame her makeup to avoid kissing. He’s probably reading this bio in shock. Sitting at home like, “WAIT THAT WAS A LIE?!? Is that why she hasn’t answered the 15 times I DMed, “Hey!?”

Lauren

Lauren’s bio says that “her father and grandfather have been great examples of what husbands should be to a woman.” This is one of those things that women say a lot without any admission to the fact that their dad and grandfather were great to her mom and grandma but probably an ass to someone else’s mom and grandmother. Right now there’s an 80-year-old woman reading that bio like, “Ricky!?!? A great example?!? That asshole took me to the school dance, told me he was looking to get serious, and then ghosted after we had sex. Ricky is a good example of a guy who doesn’t go down on a bitch!”

Lexi

Lexi is a 26-year-old marketing coordinator from NYC who “believes that dating as a redhead is hard.” That might be the most hilarious way to make yourself the victim that I’ve ever heard. I just imagine Lexi at brunch with a bunch of friends and one is like, “As an Asian woman, I feel like I’m fetishized” and another is like, “As a black woman, I feel like I’m unfairly portrayed as being difficult” and then Lexi is like, “Oh you guys have it easy, I’m a redhead who has the financial ability to leave my job for a few months to be on a TV show! You guys could never understand!! Do you know how much shampoo costs!?”

Madison

Madison is a 23-year-old foster parent recruiter who says she’s “looking for a man who will prioritize faith and family before everything else,” and if she were stranded on an island and could only bring one book, it would be The Bible. Every season there’s a crop of “God People,” and it never makes sense to me. I just can’t understand how The Bachelor became a real option to this community. Like, the only way to find a good man is to go on Christian Mingle or on TV to compete against someone named Celeste who hates drama.

I just imagine Madison getting sent off by her church. She’s like, “BYE everyone!!” And they’re like, “GOOD LUCK!!! DON’T FORGET ABOUT YOUR LORD AND SAVIOR!!! READ THE BIBLE BY THE POOL!! IF A MAN DATES 30 WOMEN AT ONCE WE’RE COOL WITH IT BUT IF YOU EXPERIMENT WITH ANY OF THE OTHER FEMALE CONTESTANTS IT WON’T BE LOOKED AT KINDLY IN THE AFTERLIFE!!! BYE!!! GOOD LUCK!!!”

Maurissa

Maurissa is a 23-year-old Patient Care Coordinator who broke up with her boyfriend who wasn’t ready to get married, moved to Atlanta, and lost 80 pounds. To me, Maurissa has already won The Bachelor. Going onto this show after losing 80 pounds is the post-breakup dream. If I were Maurissa, I’d step out of the limo wearing a bikini and heels, put Peter over my shoulders, do three squats, and then blow a kiss to the camera. Then, as I’m walking away, they’d get a shot of my butt where, “Still Juicy Though” is stitched in glitter. Maurissa has already gotten enough DMs from guys who didn’t look twice at her in high school to make anything that happens on the show gravy.

Megan

Megan is 26-year-old flight attendant from San Francisco. Ok, that’s the third flight attendant this season. This is obviously because Peter’s a pilot and there’s some sort of unrealistic fantasy some viewers might have of him and his future wife flying the friendly skies together. The reality is that they’re probably at different airlines with different benefits programs that they’ve already paid into for a few years, so they’ll never see one another. But no! Some older woman in Wisconsin wants to say, “Isn’t that cute!!” So we got to try and ruin two people’s lives.

This is like when older Jewish women fix up any two Jews. They don’t think of personality matches or whether the person is even up for a date. Just “You’re a Jew, she’s a Jew, go make more Jews. Oh, she has a drug problem and he’s afraid of commitment? Who cares!! You both had themed Bar Mitzvahs at 13 years old, so it’ll all work out!!”

Mykenna

Mykenna is a 22-year-old fashion blogger from Langley, BC, Canada. Here’s a line from her bio:

“She is super close to her parents and is constantly inspired by her grandparents’ love, which makes sense, as they were together for 61 years and her grandpa proposed to her grandma on their first date.”

That job combined with the quote from her bio is just one continuous lie that we all have to nod our heads at. There’s no such thing as someone making their living as a 22-year-old fashion blogger without the last name Jenner or Kardashian. You didn’t apply to some blog and move to the fashion mecca of Langley, Canada to comment on the varying Canadian tuxedo trends of the year. You’re super close with your parents because you literally live super close to them, like the room next door. And grandpa proposed date one because there weren’t a lot of options in the woods of Canada, so it was between her and a caribou. Mykenna will do well on this show due to pure naïveté and delusion.

Natasha

Natasha is a 31-year-old event planner from NYC. She’s the oldest on the show. I honestly can’t imagine going on this show after the age of 30. And it’s really not about 30 being old (it isn’t), it’s about 24 being really young. There are 13 women coming on the show who are 24 and younger. Above 30 and below 25 are two different species. Ask someone who’s 24 to give you a food or bar recommendation and it’s all about quantity. A bar with more people or a dinner that costs less money. Ask someone above 30 and it’s all about quality. A bar with comfortable seats or a dinner with a really good tapas selection. Going into a house of 13 people under the age of 24 who are talking about their love of travel even though the only place they’ve been is Nashville (where they spent half the time puking on Broadway in between sharing nachos) sounds like a 30-year-old’s hell. I wish you luck, Natasha. GODSPEED.

Payton

Payton is a 23-year-old business development rep who is very hot and has a bio that says, “Payton is not afraid of talking to strangers. In fact, she enjoys it!” Hot women who say stuff like “I love talking to strangers” are the worst to date. You’ll be out with them and suddenly they’re talking to the guy in line at the movie theater and you’ll be like, “What’s going on?!” and they’ll be like, “Meet my new friend Frank. He’s a pro bodybuilder!” And you’ll be like, “Umm cool.” And she’ll be like, “He does some porn on the side too but it’s to travel the world, isn’t that awesome!?” And you’ll be like “Nice to meet you Frank.” And the guy will shake your hand while holding eye contact with her and afterwards she’ll be like, “You were acting so weird” and end the relationship because you’re controlling.

Sarah

Sarah is a 24-year-old Medical Radiographer whose bio says, “Sarah may be a Southern belle, but she dreams of a life outside Tennessee.” There is no narrative more played-out than the “Southern Belle” one. This isn’t 1932. She dreams of a life outside of Tennessee? Delta flies out of every major city in your state for $250 and the WiFi is the same in NYC as it is in the south. I like people from the south, but it seems like women use the phrase Southern Belle to make any normal thing sound more interesting; “Oh you’ve never had Chick-Fil-A?! Well this little southern belle loves her sauces. Northerners could never understand honey mustard!”

Savannah

Savannah is a 27-year-old realtor from Houston whose bio says “used to have a cancer ribbon tattoo on her ribs, but removed it for the Houston Texans cheer tryouts.” I don’t know how that comes up in the interview. Were they like, “Hey, how far would you go for Peter?” and Savannah was like, “You know the disease that affects millions of lives around the world? Well I used to support that until it was down to me and a former stripper to dance during Texans timeouts for a hundred bucks. So ya… I’ll do anything.”

Shiann

Shiann is a 27-year-old administrative assistant from Las Vegas. You start to understand why people cry on The Bachelor when you read Shiann’s bio. At one point it says, “Falling in love has been difficult in the past for Shiann because every guy she’s dated either ended up ghosting her, having a wife and kids, or liking her friends over her, but we have a feeling it’s only happy times ahead.” Why on Earth would anyone believe that it’s only happy times ahead?! Someone tells you that guys they date go for her friends and you’re like, “Well I’m positive things are looking up!! Just walk into this mansion and compete with 29 other women for this one guy who has trouble making women orgasm!!”

Sydney

Sydney is a 24-year-old retail marketing manager from Alabama. Sydney’s bio says that she’s a relationship type of girl and her favorite holiday is Valentine’s Day and that her dream man will have a sweet tooth just like her. I think answers like those should disqualify you from this show. Has she heard of Thanksgiving? Your dream guy has to like cupcakes? What about someone who listens? Putting a relationship person whose favorite holiday is Valentine’s Day on a show where they put you on dates you’ll never be able to afford again is like buying your 16-year-old a Maserati. She’ll get to her first Tinder date after the show and she’ll be like, “WHAT?! No helicopter ride to a rose petal covered forest for afternoon champagne?!”

Tammy

Tammy is a 24-year-old house flipper from Syracuse whose bio says she “comes from a hardworking family that immigrated over to Syracuse during the Vietnam War.” I can’t imagine their daughter being on The Bachelor was their American Dream. I can’t see them hopping on the last flight out of Vietnam, hugging one another while nervously crying about what adventures will come next as the dad whispers into the mom’s ear, “In America, our children can one day scream at a blonde girl from Utah for using her hair iron.”

Victoria F

Victoria F. is a 25-year-old medical sales rep from Virginia Beach who says she “loves a man who is in touch with his feelings and isn’t afraid to cry in public.” This is one of those things women say they like until it happens. Like, Victoria F. wants that one tear falling down a guy’s cheek that has just enough scruff to look like he could be the Brawny Man. She doesn’t want me messy crying while trying on pants that don’t fit at a Bloomingdale’s as a salesperson asks, “How are those feeling!?” All I’m saying is careful what you wish for, Victoria F.

Victoria P

Victoria P. is really hot. Her bio says something about losing her dad at a young age and her sister and mom having a drug thing, yada yada yada. But wow. Victoria P was hot enough for me to say to my girlfriend, “Look how hot she is” and for her to respond, “Ya. She’s hot.” When you’re hot enough for men and women to agree on your hotness, that means you’re a year away from two million Instagram followers. Women follow you because they like your style, and men follow you because they like to watch you but never like your posts. Remember this a year from now when you’re listening to Victoria P’s podcast called Vibing With Vicky, where she laughs really loud with other, not as hot, former Bachelor contestants about how hard it is to date in LA.

Images: ABC (31)